In the early 1970s sociologists popularized the term “empty nest syndrome,” which was defined as feelings of depression, emptiness, sadness and grief experienced by parents when their children go off to college or leave home. The media would have us believe that women spend inordinate periods of time sobbing in their child’s room, hugging their discarded clothes and clinging to past memories. Characterized by our culture as a time of hopelessness and dread, you’ll discover this syndrome has been plagued by many misconceptions.
There are some astounding facts on the subject! According to the research conducted by psychologist Karen Fingerman, PhD, author of Mothers and Their Adult Daughters: Mixed Emotions, Enduring Bonds, parents generally find this transition one of new freedom, enhanced closeness and renewed bonding. It can also be a time for pursuing unfulfilled goals and dreams. Furthermore her research, as well as other psychologists’ findings, suggest that it is actually men who fare worse in the emotional distancing from their children who leave home. Typically, it is believed that women prepare for this transitional change in their life, and men are less prepared for the move, noting regret for not spending more quality time in their child’s life.
So how do you prepare for this life transition in a fashion that creates the best outcome for both parent and child? First of all, you can begin early to help your children become prepared for the physical separation. Here are some tips:
• Teach your children to be skilled problem solvers. As hard is it may be for you to “fix” or solve their concerns, begin to teach them to discover some of their own solutions. Use phrases such as “it sounds like you have some difficulties, so what are you going to do about that?” Or say, “perhaps you should try working on it for a few days and if you can’t find a solution, we could talk about it.”
• Teach your children to think through concerns instead of acting on impulse. Help your children see that there are consequences and outcomes from every decision. Assist in their developmental process by having them imagine an action and the potential results that may occur with each choice or behavior. This technique might be the most important skill you teach your child.
• Focus on the moment. Take time now to spend quality time with your children. This can only be done by leading by example! If you teach your children the importance and value of quality family time, they will learn by your own modeling the importance of balancing aspects of their life such as school, work, family and friendships.
• State your concerns about the separation. Talk honestly about your hesitations and let them know that you care, but that you believe they will take advantage of time opportunities, time for studying and balanced socialization. Express that you will “be there” for your child, but in a new way that will promote individualization and foster independence.
• Discuss safety and self-care issues such as avoiding walking alone at night; responsible use of alcohol or drugs; budgeting and saving money; balancing checkbooks; maintaining daily hygiene; daily life management skills such as time management; getting required sleep; and maintaining a nutritional and healthy lifestyle. But of course, there are some developmental steps parents must explore for success with the transition.
• Discover many ways to communicate with your child who is leaving the nest. Connect via email, or use computer cameras to capture a real-time view of your child, or perhaps become an expert at text messaging. Connecting can be done in many ways, and remember there’s always snail mail and telephones for those who prefer to use time and trusted non-technological methods of communication.
• Look at this time period as an opportunity to grow. This is your time to explore your dreams and create your own future. Now you have the time to go back to school, take that art class, start to travel, take up a new hobby, go back to work or pursue your own goals and interests.
• Focus on the challenge and view this as a time for learning new life lessons. There will be many possibilities for personal growth through focusing on the positive rewards of this experience.
• View this time as a wondrous opportunity to reconnect with your partner and revitalize your relationship. Now there is time to do all the things you’ve put off and have quality time to rediscover all the qualities that brought you together years ago.
• Realize this is a “natural” life passage for both your child and the parents. Moving through this doorway opens everyone into new pursuits, dreams and aspirations waiting to be opened and explored.
• Reach out and talk to others about the transition. Gathering support from those who have experienced this transition is always validating and healing. tpw
There are some astounding facts on the subject! According to the research conducted by psychologist Karen Fingerman, PhD, author of Mothers and Their Adult Daughters: Mixed Emotions, Enduring Bonds, parents generally find this transition one of new freedom, enhanced closeness and renewed bonding. It can also be a time for pursuing unfulfilled goals and dreams. Furthermore her research, as well as other psychologists’ findings, suggest that it is actually men who fare worse in the emotional distancing from their children who leave home. Typically, it is believed that women prepare for this transitional change in their life, and men are less prepared for the move, noting regret for not spending more quality time in their child’s life.
So how do you prepare for this life transition in a fashion that creates the best outcome for both parent and child? First of all, you can begin early to help your children become prepared for the physical separation. Here are some tips:
• Teach your children to be skilled problem solvers. As hard is it may be for you to “fix” or solve their concerns, begin to teach them to discover some of their own solutions. Use phrases such as “it sounds like you have some difficulties, so what are you going to do about that?” Or say, “perhaps you should try working on it for a few days and if you can’t find a solution, we could talk about it.”
• Teach your children to think through concerns instead of acting on impulse. Help your children see that there are consequences and outcomes from every decision. Assist in their developmental process by having them imagine an action and the potential results that may occur with each choice or behavior. This technique might be the most important skill you teach your child.
• Focus on the moment. Take time now to spend quality time with your children. This can only be done by leading by example! If you teach your children the importance and value of quality family time, they will learn by your own modeling the importance of balancing aspects of their life such as school, work, family and friendships.
• State your concerns about the separation. Talk honestly about your hesitations and let them know that you care, but that you believe they will take advantage of time opportunities, time for studying and balanced socialization. Express that you will “be there” for your child, but in a new way that will promote individualization and foster independence.
• Discuss safety and self-care issues such as avoiding walking alone at night; responsible use of alcohol or drugs; budgeting and saving money; balancing checkbooks; maintaining daily hygiene; daily life management skills such as time management; getting required sleep; and maintaining a nutritional and healthy lifestyle. But of course, there are some developmental steps parents must explore for success with the transition.
• Discover many ways to communicate with your child who is leaving the nest. Connect via email, or use computer cameras to capture a real-time view of your child, or perhaps become an expert at text messaging. Connecting can be done in many ways, and remember there’s always snail mail and telephones for those who prefer to use time and trusted non-technological methods of communication.
• Look at this time period as an opportunity to grow. This is your time to explore your dreams and create your own future. Now you have the time to go back to school, take that art class, start to travel, take up a new hobby, go back to work or pursue your own goals and interests.
• Focus on the challenge and view this as a time for learning new life lessons. There will be many possibilities for personal growth through focusing on the positive rewards of this experience.
• View this time as a wondrous opportunity to reconnect with your partner and revitalize your relationship. Now there is time to do all the things you’ve put off and have quality time to rediscover all the qualities that brought you together years ago.
• Realize this is a “natural” life passage for both your child and the parents. Moving through this doorway opens everyone into new pursuits, dreams and aspirations waiting to be opened and explored.
• Reach out and talk to others about the transition. Gathering support from those who have experienced this transition is always validating and healing. tpw