At a recent family gathering, the subject of relationships between Baby Boomers and their young adult/adult children was discussed. Martha, the mother of older teenagers and young adults, said the Boomers are the “Helicopter Generation”—they hover and are ready to land to rescue at a moment’s notice. I thought that was a very appropriate description of the family dynamic evident not only in two-parent households, but also in single-parent households. As a therapist, I’ve worked with a number of parents struggling with the issues of boundaries and enabling their children.
“Enabling” is defined as protecting others from the consequences of their actions and taking responsibility for the consequences of their decisions. In the past, the term has been associated with interactions with alcoholics. Currently, enabling encompasses other family dynamics. Enabling young adults and adult children is found in families with few financial resources and in wealthy families.
Those in the Baby Boomer generation grew up with parents who’d been through the Depression. Our parents knew the value of work and certainly understood the concept of cause-effect in behavior. They lived by those values and that’s how we were reared. Our childhood and adolescence often were spent doing chores for an allowance or working at part-time jobs. We were taught and expected to be responsible. If homework wasn’t done, we suffered the consequences—upset teachers and poor grades. If we were late to school, we served a detention or missed recess. If we were late to a part-time job, we had a warning from an angry boss and possible loss of income. We learned important lessons about behavior and consequences. If we misbehaved at school, we were also in trouble at home.
Our children have grown up in a different environment. Many of us feel our parents were too strict, that too many rules and responsibilities stifled creativity and negatively affected us. In reaction, there appears to have been a shift in child rearing principles. We’ve been perhaps too willing to overlook a child’s natural tendency to misbehave, making excuses for the child’s actions, and not imposing consequences.
Perhaps, more than our parents, we’ve adopted the attitude that our child’s getting into trouble meant he or she needed special attention. Many of us felt our child’s behavior was a direct reflection on our parenting skills. If we dared to discipline our children in public, we too often felt we were being judged negatively. In private, we’ve been too susceptible to a child’s natural tendency to get angry and say hurtful things when held accountable.
Instead of our attitude of “I can’t wait to leave home and be out on my own,” young adults today seem to be content to stay at home indefinitely, paying no rent or other expenses, often making few attempts at job seeking. We pay their bills, give them money, do the work of finding them jobs, and then make excuses for them when they’re fired for not being on time or quitting with no notice because “the boss is a jerk.” Too often, returning to the nest is seen as the first option rather than as the last resort.
The enabling we do is, in reality, a two-edged sword. The first and most obvious is that if we don’t allow our children to suffer consequences, we’re the ones who assume responsibility for their actions. Then we’re the ones who find ourselves resentful and angry when trying to find solutions to their problems. The more subtle and perhaps more damaging consequence is the underlying message that our children aren’t capable of being responsible adults. When we consistently protect and rescue them, we prevent them from being strong and independent individuals.
How do we break the cycle? The first step is recognizing the enabling. The second is to acknowledge the negative consequences of enabling. The next step is setting boundaries with our adult children, one step at a time. Some individuals need support from others in their lives as they make these changes in their parenting styles. Expectations must be realistic. Children who’ve become masters at manipulation aren’t going to give up these behavior patterns without a fight. But we must be prepared to stand firm first in our decision to break the enabling cycle and then in following through. The hardest thing to do is tell adult children that they have a finite amount of time to find a job, find a place to live, and figure out how to live life on their own. But the first time adult children are faced with a difficult problem and find the solution on their own, the reward is in their recognition of their own self worth.
When we prevent adult children from learning to face problems, finding solutions on their own, and being responsible for the consequences of their actions, their ability to survive and grow is impaired greatly. We, as parents, have to accept the fact that no matter what we do, we can’t change anyone else. We can only change ourselves. TPW