For people experiencing loss and grief, being told to “get over it and move on” by well-intentioned friends or family members sounds like great advice if only they knew how or what to do to stop the pain they’re feeling.
Feelings—both positive and negative—are as normal to living as breathing. Babies show pleasure and sadness equally with great exuberance and naturally from the heart. Yet all too soon many children are taught to suppress feelings like mad and sad, and only show and express positive, happy feelings. Year after year of suppressing those normal but negative feelings leads to a sense of being overwhelmed, confused, defective, and alone.
Other well-intended messages like “don’t feel bad; time will take care of it” are further crippling and misinformed. How do we not feel bad when that’s how we feel? And time alone merely passes—it’s taking action over time that changes things.
Loss is a reality of life, and the list of losses is inexhaustible. Further, loss can be both a result of what happens and what doesn’t happen as we experience life. Finally, while some people may seem to have more pain in their lives, it doesn’t negate or lessen the burden of the pain in other people’s lives. Loss is loss and pain is pain to those experiencing it.
Some losses, like the journey of becoming independent from our parents, are natural and necessary losses intended to help build our strength and well being for a healthy, quality life. Other losses, like death, divorce, wounded relationships, abuse, low self-worth, financial and career changes, and relocation, are also realities of life that lead to the normal and natural reaction of grief. Unfortunately, grief is a taboo topic for discussion in our society. This off-limits approach to grieving leaves those impacted ill-prepared and ill-equipped to make a painful but necessary journey toward recovery (to get over it and move on).
Left unattended, loss, grief, and the often-masked feelings that follow stay with us throughout our lifetime. Our entire being—physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally—can become impacted. For some, developing defenses through workaholism, perfectionism, excessiveness in sexual or eating patterns, extreme caretaking, etc., is easier than facing the pain. Yet, facing the pain is crucial to moving forward through our losses toward experiencing the fullness of life and relationships.
The journey of “getting over it and moving on” (recovery) is similar in many ways to the journey through life. For instance, both journeys are experiences common to all people, are unique and personal to the individual, are marked by time (albeit different for each person), are dependent upon a plan and action to reach a desired outcome, are impacted by detours along the way, and are inspired by hope.
To those wanting to embark on the journey to recovery, the following steps are important to getting started.
We Need to Explore Our Losses
Unresolved losses from childhood and beyond can build like an avalanche—one snowflake at a time—until the accumulation is overpowering and out of control, leaving a path of destruction along the way. It’s impossible for us to have lived with unresolved losses and not be affected by them. Exploring those losses and facing the pain is key to beginning the journey of getting unstuck and moving forward.
We Need to Feel Our Feelings
Part of the reason it’s difficult to talk about our past is because of the fear of our feelings. As children, many people learned it wasn’t safe to show their feelings. As a result, they grew up avoiding expressing their feelings and often can’t identify with them as adults. As mentioned earlier, feelings are as natural to life as breathing. Where there’s been loss, undoubtedly there will be feelings. And, importantly, feelings aren’t gender specific—women as well as men come “wired” with feelings. Getting in touch with those feelings and being honest about them are crucial to moving forward.
We Need to Embrace Our Feelings
To help overcome our fear of feelings, we need to understand that feelings are only hurtful when we deny and minimize them or allow them to accumulate. During times of loss and grief, feelings are like a roller coaster—happy and sad, mad and sad, love and hate. These contradictory feelings are normal and don’t mean we’re crazy (as many often fear). We need to trust our feelings and feel what we feel. Identifying, owning, and embracing our feelings will allow them and the overwhelming pain to pass and help us move forward.
We Need to Tell Our Story
Moving forward means dealing with the losses and the pain. It means identifying, experiencing, and sharing our feelings. It means facing the truth. It means telling our story. Telling our story gives voice to the silent messages of our heart and takes the power out of our feelings. It opens the door to honesty, empathy, validation, and freedom. Like shining a light into the darkness, it both exposes the shadows and shows us the way. Moving forward doesn’t occur in isolation. We shouldn’t try to address our losses on our own. We need to talk to a close friend, pastor, or support/recovery group we trust and feel safe with. In some cases, it’s important to find a counselor who’s trained to talk with us about our losses and their impact on our lives. Most importantly, the recovery journey is always best when other people are involved.
The journey to get over our losses and move forward is a very unique and personal journey; it takes action over time to achieve, and it’s inspired by hope. May the life changes and renewed hope of those who’ve made the journey be an inspiration and encouragement to those who are on the threshold of beginning. TPW
Feelings—both positive and negative—are as normal to living as breathing. Babies show pleasure and sadness equally with great exuberance and naturally from the heart. Yet all too soon many children are taught to suppress feelings like mad and sad, and only show and express positive, happy feelings. Year after year of suppressing those normal but negative feelings leads to a sense of being overwhelmed, confused, defective, and alone.
Other well-intended messages like “don’t feel bad; time will take care of it” are further crippling and misinformed. How do we not feel bad when that’s how we feel? And time alone merely passes—it’s taking action over time that changes things.
Loss is a reality of life, and the list of losses is inexhaustible. Further, loss can be both a result of what happens and what doesn’t happen as we experience life. Finally, while some people may seem to have more pain in their lives, it doesn’t negate or lessen the burden of the pain in other people’s lives. Loss is loss and pain is pain to those experiencing it.
Some losses, like the journey of becoming independent from our parents, are natural and necessary losses intended to help build our strength and well being for a healthy, quality life. Other losses, like death, divorce, wounded relationships, abuse, low self-worth, financial and career changes, and relocation, are also realities of life that lead to the normal and natural reaction of grief. Unfortunately, grief is a taboo topic for discussion in our society. This off-limits approach to grieving leaves those impacted ill-prepared and ill-equipped to make a painful but necessary journey toward recovery (to get over it and move on).
Left unattended, loss, grief, and the often-masked feelings that follow stay with us throughout our lifetime. Our entire being—physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally—can become impacted. For some, developing defenses through workaholism, perfectionism, excessiveness in sexual or eating patterns, extreme caretaking, etc., is easier than facing the pain. Yet, facing the pain is crucial to moving forward through our losses toward experiencing the fullness of life and relationships.
The journey of “getting over it and moving on” (recovery) is similar in many ways to the journey through life. For instance, both journeys are experiences common to all people, are unique and personal to the individual, are marked by time (albeit different for each person), are dependent upon a plan and action to reach a desired outcome, are impacted by detours along the way, and are inspired by hope.
To those wanting to embark on the journey to recovery, the following steps are important to getting started.
We Need to Explore Our Losses
Unresolved losses from childhood and beyond can build like an avalanche—one snowflake at a time—until the accumulation is overpowering and out of control, leaving a path of destruction along the way. It’s impossible for us to have lived with unresolved losses and not be affected by them. Exploring those losses and facing the pain is key to beginning the journey of getting unstuck and moving forward.
We Need to Feel Our Feelings
Part of the reason it’s difficult to talk about our past is because of the fear of our feelings. As children, many people learned it wasn’t safe to show their feelings. As a result, they grew up avoiding expressing their feelings and often can’t identify with them as adults. As mentioned earlier, feelings are as natural to life as breathing. Where there’s been loss, undoubtedly there will be feelings. And, importantly, feelings aren’t gender specific—women as well as men come “wired” with feelings. Getting in touch with those feelings and being honest about them are crucial to moving forward.
We Need to Embrace Our Feelings
To help overcome our fear of feelings, we need to understand that feelings are only hurtful when we deny and minimize them or allow them to accumulate. During times of loss and grief, feelings are like a roller coaster—happy and sad, mad and sad, love and hate. These contradictory feelings are normal and don’t mean we’re crazy (as many often fear). We need to trust our feelings and feel what we feel. Identifying, owning, and embracing our feelings will allow them and the overwhelming pain to pass and help us move forward.
We Need to Tell Our Story
Moving forward means dealing with the losses and the pain. It means identifying, experiencing, and sharing our feelings. It means facing the truth. It means telling our story. Telling our story gives voice to the silent messages of our heart and takes the power out of our feelings. It opens the door to honesty, empathy, validation, and freedom. Like shining a light into the darkness, it both exposes the shadows and shows us the way. Moving forward doesn’t occur in isolation. We shouldn’t try to address our losses on our own. We need to talk to a close friend, pastor, or support/recovery group we trust and feel safe with. In some cases, it’s important to find a counselor who’s trained to talk with us about our losses and their impact on our lives. Most importantly, the recovery journey is always best when other people are involved.
The journey to get over our losses and move forward is a very unique and personal journey; it takes action over time to achieve, and it’s inspired by hope. May the life changes and renewed hope of those who’ve made the journey be an inspiration and encouragement to those who are on the threshold of beginning. TPW