Times have changed. More people are putting marriage off, and more older adults than ever before are finding themselves single again after a divorce or death of a spouse. So, what's a grown up to do? The bar scene? Online dating? For some, singles groups may be the answer.
Finding Like-Minded Singles
Michael Thomson, a member of the Morton Christian Singles Steering Committee, is a fan of such groups. "Like every member of the group, I just showed up at a meeting about eight or 10 years ago. I did belong the Parents Without Partners for several years, but the organization really lost membership over the years. Actually, Morton Christian Singles is the largest and oldest singles group in the greater Peoria area. We're celebrating our 25th anniversary."
He said the group has more than 400 members currently, and there are usually two or three new members joining every week. "I think average attendance is 40 to 45 people at each meeting, and the ages of the membership range from the early 40s to mid 60s. The programs include a wide variety of speakers, who usually speak about how to communicate with people important to us, relationship issues, dating, how to be a successful single, how to survive a broken relationship, and how to be the person you were meant to be. Recently, we had a Q-and-A with Dr. Richard Grant, retired from the U of I Medical School here in Peoria. He answered questions about human sexuality put to him anonymously by the membership. This was probably the best attended meeting of the year."
In addition to the meetings, Thomson said the group schedules three or four socials each month. "These may include going to plays, eating out, pizza and a movie, picnics, swimming parties at a private home, going to baseball games, Christmas Eve Party, etc."
There are no requirements for membership other than being single, he said. "Some of the members are divorced, some are widowed, and some have never been married. This is a support group and a networking opportunity to meet other people in order to date or just meet new friends. It isn't a dating club, although some people do pair up; at least 10 couples have married out of the group over the years. Everyone is free to attend with or without a partner. But most-if not all-of the activities, both at meetings or socials, are really set up for single attendance."
Because Morton Christian Singles is a support group rather than a dating club, many members pursue love in other ways as well. "A lot of people do the bar scene, as well as online dating, and go to the dances in the area to find dates and people to socialize with," Thomson said.
Dancing and Dating
Some of those dances take place at Ms. Edie's Oasis, owned by Edie Baer. As a dancer herself, it seemed natural to host singles dances at her place of business. "I was approached by some of the ladies from the Morton Christian Singles. Since there aren't a lot of places where singles can meet and dance, they felt it would be a good business venture for me, because of the size of my club and dance floor, to host a few. I've been hosting Singles Meeting Singles now for a year and a half. We started with one dance a month and now are doing two-on the first and third Friday of every month. Recently, I was chosen to host Singles for St. Jude, which I'm looking forward to."
She said Singles for St. Jude was started in 1991 by Jim Chambers and has raised almost $90,000 since its inception. "Jim's son had Hodgkin's Disease and was then at St. Jude. At the time, Jim was single and had been attending singles dances, where he met his wife, Jodi. There were no dances being held in this area, so Jim decided to start one. Because of the time involved in hosting a dance and the rising cost of renting a facility, I was approached to take over the dance, since I already have the building and do singles dances now. Singles for St. Jude will take place on the fourth Sunday of every month from 6:30 to 10 p.m."
Baer said singles find the dances at Ms. Edie's more appealing than the typical bar scene because of the atmosphere. "It's a clean, comfortable place where a single person can come and not feel uncomfortable. There's never any pressure applied to anyone, like at some other places, where people feel pushed to participate because everyone else is."
Her dances have sparked quite a few matches, she said, and those couples often still attend. "When I introduce people at a singles dance and they become a couple, it gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside to know I've helped people come together."
Baer, like Thomson, is divorced and said although she enjoys bringing people together, she hopes people are looking for love for the right reasons. "For our entire lives, we're conditioned to believe the world is made up of twos and that being a couple is the most important thing. So, when a person becomes single for whatever reason, we think we need to find someone to love or our lives won't be complete. Love comes within yourself first. If you love yourself and like who you are as a person, then you already have love. You may meet your soul mate or you may not, but there's nothing wrong with being alone. Being alone doesn't always mean lonely."
Make Dating Pay Off
According to dating specialist Becky Mentyra, taking pleasure in dating starts with prioritizing the objectives of the date. "Single men and women could get more out of their dating if they applied a failsafe approach to the process. While there aren't any rules to dating, there are ways to enhance the dating excitement and thwart the perils of dating the wrong prospects." Her pointers include:
- Devise a simple dating plan. Meeting singles through personal ads, online dating sites, and in a bar can expose you to a small percentage of undesirables. To avoid wasting your time, conduct thorough phone interviews with your prospective dates. Invest five to 10 hours of phone dating time first.
- Ask your prospective date the following questions: where they work, reside, substance abuse habits, and marital status. These are important questions to inquire if you're planning a date. Great time and energy can be saved by conducting a brief "interview." This helps both of you know and understand each other.
- Make your first date simple. Prior to your date, set a dating schedule-a minimum of an hour to three hours is ideal. A failsafe dating plan will assure neither of you is obligated or disappointed to prolong a date that may not be going well for either party. Moreover, it avoids the awkwardness of ending the date soon.
- Choose a cool dating location. Select a geographically convenient location for both of you. Try to find an intimate and quiet public place, but avoid the crowded bar scene because it won't do much for the first dating encounter if you can't hear each other talking.
- Enforce dating security and safety. Notify a close friend about where you plan to go on your date, and remember to leave your date's contact information.
- Make a dating pledge. Plan to go Dutch to alleviate any hard feelings and so no one bears the sole financial obligation of the date.
"Finally, remember that dating is a numbers game. Every date will bring you that much closer to finding a special person." TPW