On January 1, many of us engaged in the age-old practice of writing New Year’s Resolutions. One of the most popular: “I will lose weight this year.” We check out the latest diet. We ponder which diet seems to have the best results in the shortest period of time. We search for the “magic bullet” that will allow us to eat whatever we want and still lose weight. We finally commit to lowering our intake, increasing our activity, and sign up for the latest plan. We announce to family and friends that this year will be different, and we enlist their help. We start out committed to the process and then find that the family and friends who applauded our efforts to lose those pounds are, in fact, sabotaging our efforts. We find ourselves in the situation of refusing a piece of pie or cake only to have those with us foist it on us anyway. Why do friends and family not support our efforts at weight loss and healthy eating?
There are some interesting personal dynamics that take place when one begins to make decisions leading to lifestyle change. For us to be able to set boundaries with people in our lives who aren’t being supportive, it’s important to understand what’s happening.
In the situation where a spouse is involved, sabotaging the effort may come from the following:
• Unwillingness of the spouse to change comfortable daily routines.
• Unwillingness of the spouse to tackle his or her own weight problem.
• Unwillingness of the spouse to overcome other habits such as drinking or gambling.
• Use of weight to divert attention from marital or sexual problems.
• Fear of spouse’s infidelity.
In the situation where other family or friends are involved, sabotaging the effort may come from these items:
• Fear of change in the relationship.
• Fear of comparison.
• Unwillingness of the family member or friend to address her own issues.
Sabotage may take the following forms:
• Complaining when the spouse cooks healthy meals.
• Insisting the spouse exercise, but complaining about the cost.
• Complaining of being lonely when the spouse leaves for exercise class.
• Demanding the spouse prepare meals he or she can’t resist.
• Insisting on keeping forbidden treats in reach.
• Urging him or her to share high-calories snacks.
• Offering to do the grocery shopping and buying all the wrong foods.
• Bringing home or using food or sweets as a reward.
• Making the person feel guilty for making “other” choices.
The spouse may fear the balance of power in the marriage may be upset if the other one loses weight. He may worry she’ll find him less acceptable sexually. He may want to justify his vices. Family and friends may struggle with variations of the above.
Some rare individuals sincerely may want you to feel good about yourself the way you are. For others, however, jealousy may be the motivating factor. This is based on the assumption that as one spouse becomes a “new” person, the other spouse will lose interest.
To deal with those who are undermining you for whatever reason, the following tips may be helpful.
• Adopt an attitude that you will succeed, with or without their support.
• Remember the times when peer pressure hasn’t affected you before.
• Tell everyone important to you what you’re doing and why.
• Enlist their help in specific ways.
• Reassure those who need it that as things change for you, your feelings and commitment to them aren’t changing—unless this is an unhealthy relationship.
• Suggest non-eating activities.
• Confront them with the “why” question if the lack of support is evident.
• Seek counseling to deal with changes in the relationship if they can’t be resolved. TPW