It’s something a lot of married women wonder: is my relationship with my husband in jeopardy? Are these problems serious enough to seek marriage counseling?
East Peoria Clinical Psychologist Dr. Jane Velez said it’s healthy to argue with your husband, and it’s actually good for your relationship. “It’s a reality that people will differ. In daily life, people always have different opinions,” said Velez. She said the most common arguments she hears are about finances, kids, and sex.
The problem, she said, comes when the argument isn’t resolved, when the same problems keep coming up, and cursing starts controlling the conversation. That’s when you should seek counseling, but Velez said most couples wait way too long. “If a person is done with a relationship, it’s over. Both people have to be committed to the therapy and want it to work. Men usually wait until the woman has filed for divorce before they agree to counseling.”
Velez advised couples not to go to counseling to try and get a therapist to say you’re right about a situation. Therapists don’t take sides. They listen and get the couple to focus on why they got married in the first place. “I’ll ask, ‘what did you admire about them? What did you love about them?’ Often when we see a couple, they haven’t heard anything positive in a long time.”
Velez said sometimes she sees newlyweds, but most of her marriage counseling is with couples who’ve been together for 13 to 20 years. “It’s most likely women who’ve just had it with their husband or marital affairs.”
But Velez said affairs are a symptom of a failed marriage—never the cause. She finds that most marriages were over way before the affair.
Another way to revive a marriage is to be more affectionate. Velez said she sees couples start to communicate better about tense topics when they hold hands and become more intimate more often. “A lot of times women will try to control men by withholding sex. They use it as a carrot to get the man to act a certain way. That’s a sign that you need counseling.”
Marriage counselor Dr. John Gottman listed the four signs that your marriage is failing:
• Criticism: Degrading and attacking your spouse and never apologizing.
• Contempt: Using hostile humor, not resolving issues.
• Defensiveness: Constantly playing the blame game.
• Stone-walling: Refusing to try and solve issues, ignoring the problems.
If you’d like to strengthen your relationship, Velez recommended never going to bed angry with one another, giving your spouse a compliment every day, and being more affectionate.
Marriage counseling typically runs $115 to $150 a session. It may be covered under your insurance if you or your spouse is depressed due to problems in the relationship. TPW