I left my 19-year-old daughter at her college dorm 1,000 miles away last month. This is her second year, and yes, it was easier in many ways. The packing and unpacking was easier; she knew what she would need in her tiny, shared room. She was met by many friends and knows her way around campus, as well as around town. After a successful year, academically and socially, she had definitely matured and her self-confidence had grown. She’s adjusting to a new life.
I’ve not yet been able to shake that anxious, nervous feeling parents have when “the children are not yet safely tucked into bed,” however. I thought I’d adjusted to the separation, but the summer back home sent me into familiar motherhood worrying and hovering. I reverted to making sure her needs were met: I stocked the pantry with her favorite foods and made her dentist, doctor, hair, and car maintenance appointments. We only clashed a couple times during the summer, when I heard the “I’m an adult!” reply to an apparently probing question of mine. The adult child/parent conflict is a confusing time—sometimes I wonder if it’s ever resolved.
So, when does a child become an “adult?” Seems the government is as confused as any responsible parent should be. State laws vary about the age a young person can legally do certain things, and some laws seem in direct conflict with others. I used to think you became an adult when you were totally financially responsible for yourself. I married for the first time at age 18, and we were financially independent—but I still had to have my parent’s signature on the marriage application, and I couldn’t legally toast with champagne at our wedding. I, of course, would have vehemently protested if one of my children married at that age!
Between the ages of 18 and 21, typically college years, both students and parents can use the “I’m not responsible” retort, depending on how advantageous it is in certain situations. Parents who do accept the responsibility for their children are being denied access to some critical knowledge under federal privacy laws. For instance, parents can be denied access to their children’s health records beginning at age 13. They’re only allowed access to academic records if the student agrees.
Yes, there are 30-year-old immature adults and there are 18-year-old mature teenagers. The responsibility to nurture, educate, supervise, and provide for one’s offspring is the parents’—no doubt about it. The inconsistency of the law, however, is evidenced by curfews; legal age for buying and consuming alcohol and cigarettes; obtaining a driver’s license and imposing age-related restrictions on the driver’s license; seeking medical treatment, including abortion, drug counseling, birth control, etc.; acquiring financial loans; renting a hotel room or car; enlisting in the armed services; and carrying a firearm.
It would be most helpful to parents and young people alike for the government to establish a consistent legal age. It’s hard to be responsible for them when you don’t have access to all of the information.
Why do I worry about my mature adult teenager? She’ll always be my “baby,” and I’ll always feel responsible for her, at whatever age. TPW