Demanding children-children who have entitlement issues-seem to be common these days. Like Veruca Salt, the obnoxious child in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory, who constantly demanded that her father get her whatever she wanted, we hear many children today uttering the fairly constant refrain, "I want ….! Give it to me! Get it for me, now!" They seem to be masters at instilling guilt in their parents through phrases such as "It's not fair!" or "You don't love me!" or "What about what I want?" or by getting angry, shutting down, or crying piteously.
Why are there so many demanding children?
Olivia grew up with a self-centered, demanding, critical mother who never let her have her feelings. Olivia learned early to take responsibility for her mother's feelings by being a good girl. Now, as a parent herself-and not wanting to do to her children what her mother did to her-she's gone the other way. Rather than being demanding and self-centered, she's compliant and self-sacrificing. Rather than being an authoritarian parent like her mother was, she's a permissive parent, giving in to her children's demands rather than setting appropriate limits.
Olivia tends to give much too much credence to her children's feelings. All they need to do is be upset about something, and she stops what she's doing to attend to them. They've learned to use their feelings of hurt, irritation, and anger as a means of control. Olivia thinks she's being loving when she makes it "safe" for her children to express their feelings. The problem is she isn't discerning the difference between having feelings and using feelings as a means of control. Because she gives her children's feelings so much importance, her children have learned to use their feelings against her.
Olivia's children need to learn to care about Olivia instead of just trying to get her to give herself up to meet their demands. The only way they'll learn to care about her is if she learns to care about herself-and end the career guilt.
Demanding children are difficult to be around. They have a hard time keeping friends and, as adults, create chaotic relationships. So let's take a hard look at what we need to do to support caring in children, rather than self-centeredness. As parents, we need to:
- Take loving care of ourselves, rather than constantly give ourselves up to our children's needs and feelings.
- Set appropriate limits, rather than always complying with our children's demands.
- Care about our own feelings as much as we care about our children's feelings.
- Not allow our feelings and needs to be invisible to our family.
- Accept rejection from our children, rather than give in to them to avoid being rejected.
- Learn to discern the difference between children's feelings that need to be attended to and feelings that are being used to manipulate.
- Expect to be appreciated and respected rather than accept being taken for granted.
It isn't a matter of swinging back to authoritarian parenting. It's a matter of expecting to be treated with respect and caring. Your children will learn to treat you the way you treat yourself. If you allow your feelings and needs to be invisible because you aren't attending to them or making them important to you, your children will learn to see you and others as invisible. Children who see themselves as important and others as invisible-because this is what their parents are role-modeling-may become narcissistic, self-centered, demanding children.
It isn't easy to move out of caretaking and into caring about yourself and others. Caretaking others was likely a form of survival when you were growing up. Yet to truly be a loving parent, you need to have the courage to behave in a way that fosters caring and consideration in your children, and this will never happen if you consistently put yourself aside for others.
Can You Be Addicted to Your Children?
One explanation for children's sense of entitlement is a parent who's addicted to them. Is it really possible to be using our children addictively? If your children are your whole life-if you don't have a strong spiritual connection, as well as other relationships, work, and interests you're passionate about-you might be using your children to fill an empty place.
If you don't have a partner or your relationship isn't fulfilling to you-and you don't have deeply connected and meaningful friendships-then you might be using your kids as your major emotional connection. If you don't have work that's compelling and fulfilling to you, you might be using your children to give meaning to your life. If you don't have a spiritual practice that brings love and comfort to you, you might be using your children to fill this need.
If this is what you're doing, it isn't good for your children. It's a huge burden on children to be responsible for their parent's loneliness and sense of purpose. Children who feel this responsibility often become caretakers, giving themselves up to take care of a parent. On the other hand, a child burdened with this responsibility may rebel and distance from the parent, spending less and less time at home to avoid the burden of the parent's emptiness. Or they may feel they're truly entitled to the world you're handing them on a silver platter.
Our children need to be a part of our life-not our whole life. We need to role-model for them what it looks like to take personal responsibility for filling ourselves up. We need to show them what it looks like to take responsibility for making ourselves happy, rather than rely on them for our happiness. Your children want to know that they're important to you but not so important that your wellbeing is dependent upon them. You might want to explore the following questions to see if you may be using your children addictively:
- Do you have a solid spiritual practice that fills you with a sense of peace and gives meaning to your life?
- Are you expressing your particular talents in a way that feels meaningful and productive to you and gives you a sense of fulfillment?
- Do you have fulfilling emotional connections with other adults: a partner, other family members, or friends?
If you answered "yes" to these, then you're probably not using your children addictively.
- Do you feel bored and useless when your children aren't around? Is it your children who give your life meaning?
- Is your sense of worth attached to your children's achievements? Do you tend to take it personally if one of your children has a problem?
- Are you over-involved in your children's lives?
- Are you overly sensitive if one of your children is angry or distant? Do you find yourself trying to pacify your children, rather than set appropriate limits to avoid their rejection?
- Did you choose to have children to share the fullness of your love or did you have children in the hopes of getting love from them?
If you answered "yes" to one or more of these, then there's a good possibility you're crossing the addictive line. If this is the case, the best thing you can do for you and your children is to find and revel in work that's meaningful to you and develop emotional connections and support from other adults. Lose the guilt. Your children-and the people they come into contact with now and in the future-will thank you. TPW