Mothers & Daughters: The Bond, The Bind, The Blessing
The mother-daughter relationship can be the most rewarding, most exasperating, most frightening, most entertaining, most challenging and most confusing of all human relationships. For some women, the motherdaughter relationship is a blessing; for others, the experience is as pleasant as a root canal. What is it like for you as a mother? As a daughter?
In those early years our daughters are oh-so-cute, toddling about, sporting the first tooth, angelic in their sleep, running to us with arms open wide. How can it be that, in the few short years as they careen into adolescence, they could regard us as the most undesirable person on the planet?! Fortunately, there is a cycle to the motherdaughter relationship, and handling those difficult years with great care will lead to a better friendship and the return of that strong bond. This cycle is the very reason that the mother-daughter relationship is one of the most powerful to exist. Moms can ride the cycle, as though on a runaway horse, or maneuver themselves carefully, as if on a unicycle.
You may be one of those moms on the runaway horse, simply hoping you both survive your daughter’s adolescence. You’ve dug your nails into the saddle horn, and now you are holding on for dear life. But you don’t have to resign yourself to this plight. Careful maneuvering within your relationship at this time is necessary for the cycle to complete itself and for you to have a lifelong friendship with your daughter.
At this point you may be asking, “How do I do that?” The answer is simple, but not easy: you do it intentionally. You begin by educating yourself and understanding the changes taking place in your daughter during puberty and adolescence. We are all familiar with the physical changes, but there are psycho-social changes taking place as well. It is important to understand these changes so that our daughters’ behavior and personality shifts make sense to us. This will empower us to more likely provide intentional responses instead of emotional reactions.
During adolescence, children from 11 to 18 years of age begin to experience an identity transformation. The question “Who am I?” drives much of their behavior and decision-making. This explains why daughters pull away from mothers during this time. After all, they know who they are in the family unit and have identified with mom for many years; they now need to define themselves as individuals. At this point, the peer group becomes more important than family. This is a normal part of development that requires great patience and understanding. For many moms, that is difficult to provide because of the sense of loss that comes with daughters breaking away. As they distance themselves from their mothers, many moms, in turn, feel hurt and abandoned, which can trigger a reaction to regain a sense of control. Moms often want to choose their daughter’s friends, clothes, hairstyle and activities, which can lead to conflicts and power struggles.
To maneuver through the adolescent years with your daughter, you must be prepared and stay alert. Start by developing a close and supportive relationship with her throughout childhood. Then be ready for her to emotionally pull away during puberty so that you can respond to her rather than react with hurt feelings. Remember, this is a normal part of her development. The healthiest response at this time is to allow your daughter her individuality. The greatest gift you can give your daughter is permission to be herself. The hardest part of being a parent is letting go.
This doesn’t mean to stop parenting, communicating or playing an active role in her life, it means quite the opposite. During the teen years, daughters need their mothers as much as they do in the toddler years, even as they demand more independence. Teen daughters yearn to be accepted. They need their mothers to show them that they are acceptable, yet often receive criticism and advice instead. While it can be difficult to stand by and watch your daughter make what you feel is a mistake, it could be this very mistake that opens the door for her own growth and development of wisdom. It also gives you the opportunity to show that you support, love and accept her as you simply listen and nurture. This intentional response as a mother paves the path to a lifelong friendship with your daughter.
It is important for your daughter to know that you enjoy her for who she is more than you want to change her. Communicating with your daughter and creating opportunities to have fun with her can lead to mutual acceptance. When your daughter experiences your acceptance of her, it opens the door to a healthy relationship in which there is mutual trust and respect.
When communicating with your daughter, it is important to follow a few basic guidelines to ensure that she does experience your acceptance:
• Practice Active Listening.
When she is expressing herself, listen carefully without planning your response. When she is finished, tell her what you heard her say. If she indicates that you are correct and she feels like you heard her, then respond with a validation of her feelings, followed by your own thoughts.
• Cultivate Openness.
Bring an attitude of openness to your discussion. Let her know that you haven’t already made your decision, but rather, that you are carefully listening and considering what she has to say.
• Put Yourself in Her Shoes.
Think about what you would have liked your own mother to have said or done differently. Work at making these differences in your relationship with your daughter.
• Admit When You Are Wrong.
If you’ve overreacted, made a decision out of anger, or accused your daughter, only to find out that it was a mistake, admit that you were wrong. Humbly and sincerely apologize to her. Remember, you are a model for her behavior.
• Be Willing to Compromise.
Your daughter may not know exactly what is best for her, but allowing her to be a part of the decision-making process gives her the opportunity to gain wisdom. Even if she makes mistakes, valuable growth can occur. While it is your responsibility as the parent to place firm boundaries around issues of safety, an age-appropriate sense of independence is vital to her personal growth.
• Don’t Interrupt.
Don’t interrupt your daughter and expect her to act any differently to you. Be sure to thoroughly listen to all she has to say before you begin responding to her.
• Don’t Pass Judgment.
Do not pass judgment on your daughter or her friends. Drawing conclusions based on one’s appearance or a mistake they have made will send the message to your daughter that you do not accept her.
• Don’t Offer Unsolicited Advice.
Do not offer advice unless it is requested.
• Avoid Criticism and Blame.
Criticism is the number one complaint I hear from teenage daughters about their mothers. (Control is number two.) What is intended as help only makes daughters feel hurt and unacceptable. Blame usually brings up old issues and serves to continually remind your daughter of your disappointment in or lack of acceptance of her.
Have fun with your daughter by planning a weekend away with her. Go shopping, explore the outdoors, or enjoy swimming at a hotel. If a weekend isn’t possible, perhaps an afternoon getting your nails done or getting a massage will fit your schedule. Plan a “girls’ night out,” get dinner and a movie, and go out for dessert afterwards to discuss the movie. Read the same book and invite another mother-daughter couple to do the same, then have a mother-daughter dinner to discuss it!
Being a mother is both challenging and fulfilling. The love between a mother and daughter is unlike any other. By becoming more intentional in your parenting, the cycle of your relationship with your daughter is more likely to come full circle—culminating in the blessing of a lifelong friendship. tpw
In those early years our daughters are oh-so-cute, toddling about, sporting the first tooth, angelic in their sleep, running to us with arms open wide. How can it be that, in the few short years as they careen into adolescence, they could regard us as the most undesirable person on the planet?! Fortunately, there is a cycle to the motherdaughter relationship, and handling those difficult years with great care will lead to a better friendship and the return of that strong bond. This cycle is the very reason that the mother-daughter relationship is one of the most powerful to exist. Moms can ride the cycle, as though on a runaway horse, or maneuver themselves carefully, as if on a unicycle.
You may be one of those moms on the runaway horse, simply hoping you both survive your daughter’s adolescence. You’ve dug your nails into the saddle horn, and now you are holding on for dear life. But you don’t have to resign yourself to this plight. Careful maneuvering within your relationship at this time is necessary for the cycle to complete itself and for you to have a lifelong friendship with your daughter.
At this point you may be asking, “How do I do that?” The answer is simple, but not easy: you do it intentionally. You begin by educating yourself and understanding the changes taking place in your daughter during puberty and adolescence. We are all familiar with the physical changes, but there are psycho-social changes taking place as well. It is important to understand these changes so that our daughters’ behavior and personality shifts make sense to us. This will empower us to more likely provide intentional responses instead of emotional reactions.
During adolescence, children from 11 to 18 years of age begin to experience an identity transformation. The question “Who am I?” drives much of their behavior and decision-making. This explains why daughters pull away from mothers during this time. After all, they know who they are in the family unit and have identified with mom for many years; they now need to define themselves as individuals. At this point, the peer group becomes more important than family. This is a normal part of development that requires great patience and understanding. For many moms, that is difficult to provide because of the sense of loss that comes with daughters breaking away. As they distance themselves from their mothers, many moms, in turn, feel hurt and abandoned, which can trigger a reaction to regain a sense of control. Moms often want to choose their daughter’s friends, clothes, hairstyle and activities, which can lead to conflicts and power struggles.
To maneuver through the adolescent years with your daughter, you must be prepared and stay alert. Start by developing a close and supportive relationship with her throughout childhood. Then be ready for her to emotionally pull away during puberty so that you can respond to her rather than react with hurt feelings. Remember, this is a normal part of her development. The healthiest response at this time is to allow your daughter her individuality. The greatest gift you can give your daughter is permission to be herself. The hardest part of being a parent is letting go.
This doesn’t mean to stop parenting, communicating or playing an active role in her life, it means quite the opposite. During the teen years, daughters need their mothers as much as they do in the toddler years, even as they demand more independence. Teen daughters yearn to be accepted. They need their mothers to show them that they are acceptable, yet often receive criticism and advice instead. While it can be difficult to stand by and watch your daughter make what you feel is a mistake, it could be this very mistake that opens the door for her own growth and development of wisdom. It also gives you the opportunity to show that you support, love and accept her as you simply listen and nurture. This intentional response as a mother paves the path to a lifelong friendship with your daughter.
It is important for your daughter to know that you enjoy her for who she is more than you want to change her. Communicating with your daughter and creating opportunities to have fun with her can lead to mutual acceptance. When your daughter experiences your acceptance of her, it opens the door to a healthy relationship in which there is mutual trust and respect.
When communicating with your daughter, it is important to follow a few basic guidelines to ensure that she does experience your acceptance:
• Practice Active Listening.
When she is expressing herself, listen carefully without planning your response. When she is finished, tell her what you heard her say. If she indicates that you are correct and she feels like you heard her, then respond with a validation of her feelings, followed by your own thoughts.
• Cultivate Openness.
Bring an attitude of openness to your discussion. Let her know that you haven’t already made your decision, but rather, that you are carefully listening and considering what she has to say.
• Put Yourself in Her Shoes.
Think about what you would have liked your own mother to have said or done differently. Work at making these differences in your relationship with your daughter.
• Admit When You Are Wrong.
If you’ve overreacted, made a decision out of anger, or accused your daughter, only to find out that it was a mistake, admit that you were wrong. Humbly and sincerely apologize to her. Remember, you are a model for her behavior.
• Be Willing to Compromise.
Your daughter may not know exactly what is best for her, but allowing her to be a part of the decision-making process gives her the opportunity to gain wisdom. Even if she makes mistakes, valuable growth can occur. While it is your responsibility as the parent to place firm boundaries around issues of safety, an age-appropriate sense of independence is vital to her personal growth.
• Don’t Interrupt.
Don’t interrupt your daughter and expect her to act any differently to you. Be sure to thoroughly listen to all she has to say before you begin responding to her.
• Don’t Pass Judgment.
Do not pass judgment on your daughter or her friends. Drawing conclusions based on one’s appearance or a mistake they have made will send the message to your daughter that you do not accept her.
• Don’t Offer Unsolicited Advice.
Do not offer advice unless it is requested.
• Avoid Criticism and Blame.
Criticism is the number one complaint I hear from teenage daughters about their mothers. (Control is number two.) What is intended as help only makes daughters feel hurt and unacceptable. Blame usually brings up old issues and serves to continually remind your daughter of your disappointment in or lack of acceptance of her.
Have fun with your daughter by planning a weekend away with her. Go shopping, explore the outdoors, or enjoy swimming at a hotel. If a weekend isn’t possible, perhaps an afternoon getting your nails done or getting a massage will fit your schedule. Plan a “girls’ night out,” get dinner and a movie, and go out for dessert afterwards to discuss the movie. Read the same book and invite another mother-daughter couple to do the same, then have a mother-daughter dinner to discuss it!
Being a mother is both challenging and fulfilling. The love between a mother and daughter is unlike any other. By becoming more intentional in your parenting, the cycle of your relationship with your daughter is more likely to come full circle—culminating in the blessing of a lifelong friendship. tpw