Sunshine was filtering through the sheer white curtains that morning, dappling a pattern on the scarred oak tabletop. My hostess and I had been chatting pleasantly for several minutes. She had just filled our mugs with boiling water and dropped a teabag in each when she asked, "And what about you? Do you have a family?"

My sweet-faced, smiling companion was my mother, and she had no idea who I was.

I always think of that day as the beginning of our family’s long journey with Alzheimer’s disease. It wasn’t the first evidence of her confusion, but it was the beginning of the end of my denial about what was happening to Mom.

Thousands of pages have been written about this cruel condition, and, despite advances in prevention and detection, not much of the available information lifts the spirit. Alzheimer’s casts its shadow over many adults of middle age and beyond. The darkness of fear deepens with each misplaced cell phone or set of keys, with every blank drawn when a vaguely familiar face says, "Hi. You remember me, don’t you?" Experts tell us much of that fear is irrational, since all of us are shedding brain cells daily, and a bit of forgetfulness is usual.

One group is justified in slumping under the sheer weight of the disease, however: family members of Alzheimer’s patients. If you have a friend whose spouse, parent, or other loved one suffers from this terrible affliction, there are some things you can do to lighten the load.

• Be a good listener. This means saying only enough to let the caregiver know it’s okay to speak freely. Don’t tell war stories about other patients who are worse off, and don’t make generalizations. Statements like, "Alzheimer’s patients go downhill fast; this probably won’t last long" aren’t helpful. If you haven’t observed the family member’s symptoms, don’t question what your friend is reporting with responses like, "He seems fine to me." Above all, maintain confidence. Your friend needs to know you won’t carry tales about his or her loved one’s debilitation.
  
  
• Allow your friend to laugh. Assuming the patient isn’t the butt of jokes, permit your friend to replace tears with laughter when possible. At one point, someone gave me a self-help book that provided tips on interacting with a dying person. One of the suggestions was to give the patient permission to die. By then, Mom’s language skills were severely impaired. She would rarely speak, and when she did, the words came out as gibberish. She was also in motion every waking moment. I said all the things the book suggested-"You’ve been a wonderful mother and wife; its okay to let go and go home to God." Suddenly she halted, turned her head to look at me directly, and said clearly, "Not today." Then her pacing resumed and so did her speechlessness. But I heard my mom for a moment, and I got the message. Laughter is necessary medicine for the caregiver.
  
  
• Don’t be afraid of the nursing home or the patient. People would say, "I don’t know how you can stand to go there." There were days I felt that way, too, but my mom was there. If you can, offer to go with your friend to visit the patient, or give your friend a day off and go alone. If this is too difficult, send cards to both the patient and the caregiver. I’ll always be grateful to the faithful friends whose cards the nursing home staff would display in Mom’s room.
  
  
• Help the caregiver remain in the real world. This is an illness that sucks the life out of those trying to provide care. If your friend’s family member is at home, providing respite is absolutely essential. Stay with the patient so your friend can take a walk, go to worship, or enjoy some recreation. Even if the patient is confined to a nursing home, family members are often guilt-ridden if they don’t spend long periods of time visiting them. The caregiver’s life must have more than one dimension, so help your friend maintain a balance. Urge him or her to join you in activities.
  
  
• Help the caregiver stay healthy. Take meals to the house. If the patient lives at home, observe or ask about diet restrictions and be certain to provide food that’s manageable. If you’re cooking for your friend, prepare dishes that will please the eye as well as the palate. Fatigue and depression are common in caregivers, and those caring for patients are unlikely to have the energy or time to prepare well-balanced meals. Encourage exercise as well.

Alzheimer’s disease is devastating, but family members can better endure the painful loss of their loved one when they have support. Our family was fortunate to have the assistance of a good doctor, care provided by a dedicated nursing home staff, and especially the loving kindness of friends who accompanied us through that dark time. TPW