For a variety of reasons, many women take more than one walk down the aisle. Traditionally, planning an encore wedding has meant reserving a time at the courthouse and buying a nice day suit. Etiquette for second time brides has relaxed tremendously over the years, however. But with expanded options come new questions: How do we involve the kids in the wedding? Would it be easier to plan a destination wedding?

Including Kids From Your First Marriage

Like other children of divorce confronted with the remarriage of a parent, 11-year-old Corina and her seven-year-old brother, Nicky, were plagued by real and imagined fears. "I was afraid that when dad married Robin, I might not be considered part of the family anymore," Corina confided. Nicky was more blunt. "I figured if they had a baby, they wouldn’t have much time for me."

It didn’t matter that both children liked Robin, who showered the youngsters with attention. In Nicky and Corina’s minds, bringing Robin into the family would somehow disturb the delicate bond they had with their father. These and other misgivings--some spoken, some only implied--worried their father, Jim, and Robin.

Although they didn’t realize it at the time, they were grappling with a problem experienced by most of the nearly one million single parents who remarry in the U. S. each year: What can be done to ease the concerns of younger children who feel, on a conscious or unconscious level, that their secure place in the family is threatened by the pending marriage of a parent?

"We talked to the kids a lot prior to the wedding," Jim said. "We kept telling them that they were going to be part of our lives. They said they understood, but I wanted to do something out of the ordinary during the wedding to show Corina and Nicky how important they were to us."

The couple found a simple and emotionally satisfying answer to their dilemma in the form of a family-oriented wedding service that gives children a meaningful role in the wedding nuptials. This five-minute ceremony, known as the Family Medallion service, can be integrated into any religious or civil wedding ceremony. It differs from the traditional wedding in only one respect: After the newlyweds exchange rings, their children join them for a special service focusing on the family nature of marriage. Each child is given a gold or silver medal with three interlocking circles, a symbol that represents family love in much the same way the wedding ring signifies conjugal love.

Jim and Robin said they’ll never forget the moment during their wedding when Corina and Nicky were summoned to the altar to participate in the family wedding service. While the priest recited the words of the ceremony--a pledge to love and care for all the children either spouse brings to the marriage--Jim and Robin placed a Family Medallion around the necks of Corina and Nicky. Nicky and Corina responded with hugs and kisses. "I could tell that Robin really loved me," recalled Corina.

With approximately one in four U.S. marriages involving divorced or widowed parents with young children, the family wedding concept is an idea whose time has come. Family therapists say there’s a price to be paid when children feel pushed aside rather than embraced by the remarriage of a parent. Consider the situation of Carly, a teenager with divorced parents. "One day my dad just announced he was going to get married," she recalled. "He didn’t seem to care how I felt about it or how I was going to fit into his new relationship. It was like I wasn’t very important to him. But when Mom decided to remarry, she spent a lot of time talking to me. Then during the wedding, she and my stepdad, John, had a special family ceremony for all of us kids. It made me trust that my mom and John would be there for me."

Say Aloha to the Single Life

Some women planning a second wedding decide to take the show on the road. Shelley Wilson, vice president at Alexander Travel, sees quite a few couples wanting to begin second marriages in a tropical locale. "I think they look more toward destination weddings as an alternative to the traditional ’church’ wedding."

She said most destination package weddings take place in the Caribbean--especially Jamaica or the U.S. Virgin Islands--or on cruise ships. "The simplest--from the standpoint of planning the wedding long distance--are weddings at the all-inclusive resorts in the Caribbean or weddings on a cruise ship (prior to the ship sailing). You can choose anything from a very simple wedding with two hotel staff members as witnesses to a very elaborate wedding, complete with lots of guests and a big reception. The venues are beautiful, with sunset weddings the most popular."

Wilson said the Caribbean is a cliche destination for a reason. "We’ve had some couples who want to get married in more exotic locations. However, once they look at all the requirements and red tape, they frequently decide on an easier destination."

Many couples also get tripped up when planning cruise ship nuptials. "For years, it was considered very romantic to be married aboard a ship, having the ship’s captain perform the marriage. However, these marriages are only considered legal while the ship is at sea in international waters. Several years ago, I worked on a destination wedding where the couple very much wanted to be married by a ship’s captain. They were, but they were also married locally by a member of the clergy, so their marriage is legal--both in international waters and at home. Cruise ship weddings have become very popular, but the wedding ceremony is actually performed by either a member of the clergy or a justice of the peace prior to the ship sailing. Frequently, you see wedding parties--with bride and groom still in their wedding attire--decked out in life jackets participating in the life boat drill before the ship sets sail.

Surprisingly, Wilson said a couple’s children aren’t typically included in the package. "Less then 5 percent insist their children go with them. Many older couples invite other couples to the destination wedding. Frequently, we have groups of five or six couples go on vacation, with the wedding as one feature of the vacation." She said she expects destination weddings to continue to be a popular alternative for second-time-around brides and grooms. "Many couples have ’been there, done that’ in terms of the big church wedding. They want a wedding where they can combine wedding and honeymoon, frequently inviting their friends and families to join them on vacation. The wedding resorts are geared to provide a beautiful venue for the wedding, along with lots of fun and relaxation for everyone--and pampering for the bride."

Getting Organized

No matter what kind of wedding you decide on, organization is the key to managing your already hectic work and family life with the added demands of wedding preparations. Caterers, florists, and other wedding-related companies will be banging down your door to get your business. Friends and relatives will offer advice, phone numbers, and Web sites for you to check out. Being organized is the art of having the things you need when you need them, whether it’s a brochure, a phone number, or a picture of your bridal bouquet.

A few organizing techniques you can use to help you plan your wedding are the consistent use of a calendar or hand-held organizer and making to-do lists. But what about all of those wedding-related papers you’ve accumulated? The top tool for organized wedding planning is a wedding binder. The wedding binder is essentially a home for all wedding-related information. Each topic will have a specific area in the binder allowing for quick referencing and retrieval.

How should you build your wedding binder to work best for you? The size of your wedding and how many extras you incorporate into your wedding day will determine the size of your binder. If you’re having a small, simple gathering or you’re not doing much research, you may not need more than a one-inch spine. Large gatherings with many extras--or a tropical location--will probably require a binder with upwards of a three-inch spine.

One, two-sided pocket folder is usually enough room for the paperwork of one vendor. One side of the pocket folder is for ideas and research, and the other side is for estimates and contracts. Keeping these different types of information separate will allow you to locate and retrieve them at a moment’s notice.

Examples of some categories for your pocket folders are catering, photography, dresses, transportation, ceremony/officiant, and honeymoon. Assemble the pocket folders in order of importance to you. If you’re constantly making calls to your caterer, place that folder towards the front of the binder. Already know what favors you want to give out? Place that folder towards the back.

Using a binder can save you money. You’re always prepared when a vendor wants to talk about price. If someone quotes you a price in writing and you can’t produce the paper it’s written on, they could try to charge you more money for their services. Another benefit is the time you’ll save. Since all of your information has a home, you won’t be wasting your time printing duplicate information off the Internet or repeatedly asking for the addresses of your guests. Lastly, of course, is the sanity-saving benefit. All of your wedding information is in one place. There’s no need to take apart your living room looking for what you need.

And if your stress is reduced, your wedding will be a better experience for you, your spouse, and your children. TPW